Well that's a relief

Girl: And all crossdressers end up marrying each other, so it's all good.

-- to her friend, walking across the quad

That works?

Guy 1: I think I found out the trick to dating.
Guy 2: Oh yeah?
Guy 1: Yeah man, this is the first girlfriend who I haven't cheated on and so she hasn't cheated on me either.

-- Chipotle

Some professors just don't know anything

Girl 1 (about a professor): Ugh, I know! I fuckin hate her, too! She gave me back this paper and said it didn't make any sense, but it was like the best paper I've ever written. I got a B- on it!!!
Girl 2: What was it about?
Girl 1: It was about the Food Network and how they're all about sex and stuff and it's ruining America. It was sooooo good!!!

-- on the bridge

Well refrigerators and toilets DO kinda look alike

Girl: What did you do last night?
Guy: Partied in our room.
Girl: How was it?
Guy: Great until I walked into my kitchen and saw this girl using our refrigerator as a toilet.
Girl: Wait - some girl peed in your refrigerator?
Guy: Sweet, isnt it?

-- on the bridge

Yes. Yes, he may be right.

Guy: Lycra is quite possibly the greatest material ever created.

-- on the way to Primo's

At least it wasn't a staged version of "Casino"

Very old man: "Well it looks like this play is for cable!"

-- said to a very old woman at "Arcadia," in McManus Theater, after yet another F-bomb is dropped on stage

Who needs Dr. Phil?

Girl (to woman at Surfin' Joes): Do you have chais today?
Woman: Yes.
Girl: Oh that's great! That'll be the highlight of my day!
Woman: Girl, you must not have a boyfriend.
Girl: Uhhh... no I don't...

-- Surfin' Joe's

Too... Much... Information

Girl: Oh my God, I just got another UTI. I really should learn to pee after sex. And, it's not like my parents don't know or anything, but, I mean, my boyfriend just left yesterday and now I have one.

-- outside of Knott Hall

Proof that fire alarms are indeed fun

Drunk Girl (singing): We didn't start the fire. It's always burning since the world's been turning...
Drunk Guy (joins in): We didn't start the fire...
Drunk Girl: You know what I'm talkin about man. Everyone else thinks I'm an asshole.

-- walking down the Newman stairwells during a fire alarm at 2:30am

Drunk Guy: Hey man, you know what I was doing when the fire alarm went off? Having sex...
....with a woman!

-- coming up the Newman stairwells at 3am after a fire alarm