Bringing Scatological Humor To A Whole New Level

Girl: So does your poop come out differently after a night of drinking heavily? ....My friend wants to know. (Giggles) ....I think I might still be drunk.

-- On Campus

NEW!: Jack Daniel's Ruffles!

Girl: My mom called me at 2:30 in the afternoon and said I sounded tipsy. So you know what I said? I said, 'No, I'm just eating a lot of chips.'

-- Upper Primo's

Freud Would Be Proud

Girl #1: Is that how guys really talk?
Girl #2: That's how the guys here do.
Girl #3: I think they're overcompensating for their gayness.
Girl #2: Or their lack of length.

-- 3:15AM, Seton Court

Jason Biggs Would Be Proud

Guy #1: This coming from the kid who jerks off in his socks!

(Guy #2 turns bright red.)

Guy #3: Dude....that's gross.

-- Salsa Rico's

I Also Have A Minor In Irrelevant Trivia

Guy #1: Hey, you guys took Spanish? What does 'barraca' mean?
Guy #2: I think it was a character in Killer Instinct. No wait, it was Mortal Kombat.
Guy #3: God, I hate you!

-- Ahern Computer Lab

In Fucking Igloos!

Drunk Guy: But if there were no buildings, where would people fucking live??

-- 2AM, The Bridge

But Her Comforter Was Divine...

Guy on Phone: Yeah, so she's all upset because apparently I stole all the covers in the bed, and she was like, "I'm never sleeping with you again, you were so impossible to sleep with," like I give a shit, the sex wasn't that great anyways.

-- The Quad

She's Vacationing In Ignorance-ville

Girl 1: So you didn't tell me if anything happened at the bar last night.

Girl 2: Oh, nah, nothing happened.

Girl 1: Why not? you guys were all hot and heavy last weekend.

Girl 2: Nah, he ruined his chances this time by bringing his girlfriend.

Girl 1: Ah that sucks, guess it's all over then?

Girl 2: No way, she's going to be away then next couple of weekends.

-- On The Bridge

I Think It's A Fruit

Guy on Phone: Well, at least you're gonna get a lot of 'nani this weekend.
Girl (walking by, to friend): What the hell is 'nani?

-- Outside Campion

Race Relations

Guy: Dude, stop worrying about it. You're not even black, you're Italian!
Drunk Guy: I KNOW I'M NOT FUCKING BLACK!

-- 3AM in Lange Court

And All I've Got Is A Pack Of 'Stating The Obvious'

Drunk Girl (to DA and friends): Hey, do you guys have any cigarettes?
DA: Nope, sorry.
Drunk Girl: Seriously? Aw, c'mon, I'll pay ya for them.
DA: Really sorry, we don't have any.
Semi-Drunk Girl: Oh, don't mind her, she's just a little drunk right now.

-- Newman Towers East Desk

She Must Have ESPN

Drunk Girl (while watching another drunk girl walking down steps in spike heels): Dude, she's so gonna fall. She's SO gonna fall....
(Drunk Girl #2 falls down steps.)
Drunk Girl: AHAHAHAHAH! Duuuuude, I SO called it. (To Drunk Girl #2:) HAHAHA, SO called it! Hey, you okay?

-- Newman Towers Entrance/Primo's Stairs

'80s Night?

Tipsy Girl: You know what type of night it is? I'm wearing a leopard-print dress and leggings! It's THAT type of night!

-- Newman Towers East, 1st Floor

Sombreros Just Aren't In Style This Year

Guy: Dude, don't mess up my hat!
Drunk Guy: Fuck your hat.
Guy: Fuck my hat?
Drunk Guy: FUCK your hat.

-- Newman Towers East, 8th Floor

It's A Spitting Image

Girl: I don't know... I just feel something swimming around inside of me!

-- Outside McManus

T.G.I.Politically Incorrect

(Friday's waiters gather around a table of African Americans to sing Happy Birthday.)
Loyola Student: Guess someone must have just gotten out of jail.

-- T.G.I. Friday's