Bringing Scatological Humor To A Whole New Level

Girl: So does your poop come out differently after a night of drinking heavily? ....My friend wants to know. (Giggles) ....I think I might still be drunk.

-- On Campus

NEW!: Jack Daniel's Ruffles!

Girl: My mom called me at 2:30 in the afternoon and said I sounded tipsy. So you know what I said? I said, 'No, I'm just eating a lot of chips.'

-- Upper Primo's

Freud Would Be Proud

Girl #1: Is that how guys really talk?
Girl #2: That's how the guys here do.
Girl #3: I think they're overcompensating for their gayness.
Girl #2: Or their lack of length.

-- 3:15AM, Seton Court

Jason Biggs Would Be Proud

Guy #1: This coming from the kid who jerks off in his socks!

(Guy #2 turns bright red.)

Guy #3: Dude....that's gross.

-- Salsa Rico's

I Also Have A Minor In Irrelevant Trivia

Guy #1: Hey, you guys took Spanish? What does 'barraca' mean?
Guy #2: I think it was a character in Killer Instinct. No wait, it was Mortal Kombat.
Guy #3: God, I hate you!

-- Ahern Computer Lab

In Fucking Igloos!

Drunk Guy: But if there were no buildings, where would people fucking live??

-- 2AM, The Bridge

But Her Comforter Was Divine...

Guy on Phone: Yeah, so she's all upset because apparently I stole all the covers in the bed, and she was like, "I'm never sleeping with you again, you were so impossible to sleep with," like I give a shit, the sex wasn't that great anyways.

-- The Quad

She's Vacationing In Ignorance-ville

Girl 1: So you didn't tell me if anything happened at the bar last night.

Girl 2: Oh, nah, nothing happened.

Girl 1: Why not? you guys were all hot and heavy last weekend.

Girl 2: Nah, he ruined his chances this time by bringing his girlfriend.

Girl 1: Ah that sucks, guess it's all over then?

Girl 2: No way, she's going to be away then next couple of weekends.

-- On The Bridge

I Think It's A Fruit

Guy on Phone: Well, at least you're gonna get a lot of 'nani this weekend.
Girl (walking by, to friend): What the hell is 'nani?

-- Outside Campion

Race Relations

Guy: Dude, stop worrying about it. You're not even black, you're Italian!
Drunk Guy: I KNOW I'M NOT FUCKING BLACK!

-- 3AM in Lange Court

And All I've Got Is A Pack Of 'Stating The Obvious'

Drunk Girl (to DA and friends): Hey, do you guys have any cigarettes?
DA: Nope, sorry.
Drunk Girl: Seriously? Aw, c'mon, I'll pay ya for them.
DA: Really sorry, we don't have any.
Semi-Drunk Girl: Oh, don't mind her, she's just a little drunk right now.

-- Newman Towers East Desk

She Must Have ESPN

Drunk Girl (while watching another drunk girl walking down steps in spike heels): Dude, she's so gonna fall. She's SO gonna fall....
(Drunk Girl #2 falls down steps.)
Drunk Girl: AHAHAHAHAH! Duuuuude, I SO called it. (To Drunk Girl #2:) HAHAHA, SO called it! Hey, you okay?

-- Newman Towers Entrance/Primo's Stairs

'80s Night?

Tipsy Girl: You know what type of night it is? I'm wearing a leopard-print dress and leggings! It's THAT type of night!

-- Newman Towers East, 1st Floor

Sombreros Just Aren't In Style This Year

Guy: Dude, don't mess up my hat!
Drunk Guy: Fuck your hat.
Guy: Fuck my hat?
Drunk Guy: FUCK your hat.

-- Newman Towers East, 8th Floor

It's A Spitting Image

Girl: I don't know... I just feel something swimming around inside of me!

-- Outside McManus

T.G.I.Politically Incorrect

(Friday's waiters gather around a table of African Americans to sing Happy Birthday.)
Loyola Student: Guess someone must have just gotten out of jail.

-- T.G.I. Friday's

In Scene Six, Mel Gibson Got Drunk And Insulted My Rabbi

Kid 1: Yeah man you were fucking wasted last night!
Kid 2: Yeah I know! I was so hungover I cried during 'The Patriot.'

-- The Bridge

Just What Hall Are We Discussing?

Kid 1: Dude I'm really embarrassed last night i peed in her roommate's closet.
Kid 2: HALL OF FAME! That's Hall of Fame material!

-- The Bridge

The N-Word? 'Newman?'

Kid 1: Man you always say that word when your drunk.
Kid 2: Yeah I know, I need to stop watching that Michael Richards video.

-- Bridge

And I Thought Canada Was An Actual Country

Girl 1: Do you know where Spain is in relation to Chile?
Girl 2: Don't ask me. I thought that Chicago was a state.

-- Bookstore

Pretty-Pretty Absurd

Girl 1: I don't know, I mean...he's not the best-looking...
Girl 2: Yeah, but neither is she. I mean, she CAN be...
Girl 1: Yeah, I mean, he's not REALLY good-looking, and she's not "pretty-pretty", y'know?
Girl 2: I guess. I mean, I guess they fit together. What's her name anyway?
Girl 1: I don't know, R-something...

-- Newman East Elevator

And Just Wait Until You See What I Left In Your Hamper

Girl: Did you miss the toilet?! Did you fucking pee on our floor?!
Guy: Ya damn right I did!!!

-- Campus

Bitch Stole My Costume

Girl 1: What are you being for Haloween?
Girl 2: Santa's Little Slut....

-- The Bridge

Coming Soon: Sweater Bikinis

Guy: Dude she's got the best of both worlds, it's a sweater and it's low cut!

-- Outside Campus Ministry

The Beatles Rewritten

Guy 1: Dude she was holding my hand and making out with Michele at the same time!
Guy 2: NICE

-- Bridge

I Prefer To Beat Around The Bush

Guy 1: Her sister was really pretty.
Guy 2: Yeah? Would you stick it in?

-- Campion Elevator

Her Own Or Someone Else's?

Guy: So then this girl just starts biting the staples off of her butt....

-- On the Stairs in Sellinger

But Just As Delicious

Girl, To Friends: You guys are dumb as bacon. Dumb as bacon bits.

-- Street behind Newman

One Can Only Wonder Why

White Boy: I'm just a freshman. I don't know how to get bitches yet.

-- Hopkins Desk

Fragrant Flatulence

Guy: Careful, it smells like ass in here because I just ripped a HUGE disgusting fart.

-- An Open Apartment Window From Above, Newman East

Sorry, I've Already Got An Appointment With Family Planning

Girl 1: Well, at least he was honest with me in telling me that he's sleeping with me as well as other girls:

Girl 2: True, he is honest.

Girl 1: You slept with him last year right?

Girl 2: Yeah...

Girl 1: So do you want to go get tested with me next week?

-- Campus

Logic 201: Drunken Logic

Girl: This guy was really rude and annoying so I decided to make out with him...I was really drunk and somehow that made sense.

-- Boulder

And I'll Pour Pepsi On Her Tops! Oh, Wait....

Girl on the Phone: Oh my gosh, can we like set her up? We'll put
some like coke on her bed, under her mattress.

-- Bridge

Money Can't Buy Love, But...

Girl: Your teeth make you look like a heroin addict
Guy: Whatever, if my teeth fall out, I'll just buy new ones

-- Coldspring Side of Campion

Would A Rose By Any Other Name...?

Student: I wonder if the girls at CONDOM always have safe sex?

--On the walk to the library

Priestly Eye Candy

Girl 1: Isn't Fr. Linnane too cute, to be a father?

Girl 2: No, isn't Fr. Linnane too cute to be part of the 50 and older club?

-- On Campus

Ludacris Would Be Proud

Girl 1: I wish they'd get their dumb asses off the bridge. Who stops and has a conversation on the bridge?

Girl 2: I know how rude.

Girl 1: Yeah, move bitch get out the way, bitch get out the way.

-- On the Bridge

Reverse Psychology

Student: I got written up during FAC attack, but it wasn't fair. I was wasted but the RA tricked me, she said, 'Hey you look really drunk, what room are you in, we might come over sometime.' Up until then I just said I don't know, but then I knew and I said.

-- Outside Bellarmine

Logic 301: Scato-Logic

Shuttle Driver: Campus police call you all little shits. I tell em your little shits turn into big shits.

-- On the shuttle

Bacon Bit Stupid?

Student: Have you forgotten just how stupid the average Loyola kid is?

-- Outside WLOY

Father Knows Best

Girl (to her friend): Oh my god, I can't wait for your Dad to get here this weekend. We are gonna get so wasted.

-- Leaving Campion

It's The Little Things That Count

Guy: So would you rather choose to win 7 Tour de France's or have two
testicles? [Pause] Cuz i know i'm happy with my two testicles.

-- Upper Primo's

Would It Really Make A Difference?

Girl (about the players): I wish that I could like, text them and tell them to get a goal.

-- Hopkins/Loyola Lacrosse Game

And She Was Varsity, Too

Girl: I've had balls hit me in the face much harder than that in high school.

-- Beach Volleyball Court

The Latest Hot Pickup Line

Guy (hitting on a girl): So I've been listening to a lot more rap music lately

-- 9th floor Newman West

My Friends Call Me Hans Christian Anderson

Drunk guy: I feel like i know you.
Drunk girl: I feel like you don't, i think you think i am Thumbalenia.

-- Outside Gardens C

Loyola Scholasticism

Girl (to a friend): Oh my god! I just realized that i missed all of my classes today!

-- While walking towards Boulder

Sublime: A Potent Aphrodisiac

Guy 1: If you told her you like Sublime you could probably toss it in.
Guy 2: Yeah, I'd let her slob the knob just to see the four finger,
cartoon hand grab.

-- Outside Hammerman

To Hit Or Not To Hit?

Guy 1: So do you wanna hit that now or do you just want to wait till later?
Guy 2: (Takes a long haul on cigarette with a questionable look on his face) Seriously?! Now dude. We hit that now!

-- Outside Ahern

A common suggestion

Guy (to his buddies): You know what Primo's should sell?

...Condoms.

-- Primo's

"Eight-Legged Freaks"

Girl 1: Ewwwww! There's a spider right there.
Girl 2: I thought spiders were extinct.

-- On the way to class

You've gotta appreciate honesty

Drunk Guy: "I love titties and ass!"

-- Outside the guy's window by Newman East

That's what friends are for

Girl 1: She's still mad at you? She's your friend she should be supporting you.
Girl 2: Yeah I know. As soon as she started crying I told her it was an April Fool's joke.

-- Outside Primo's

Fantastic Voyage

Guy (to his friend): Let's go, the beer isn't going to buy itself.

-- Newman hallway

Automobiles and Atheists

Guy (to friend): As far as the DMV is concerned, there is no God.

-- Outside Donnelly Science Center

Easily amused

Guy: Dude, you were like so blacked out last night.
Girl: Uh, yeah i was
Guy: ...cool.

-- Walking by the chapel

Mail Stop Sass

Post Office Employee: I'm going to need you to fill this out again. You wrote the information in the wrong spot.
Prince NorthFace: Listen. I'm not used to this whole sending packages to people thing. I'm the one that gets the packages so leave me alone.

-- Post Office

My how our mothers would love modern connotation

Tired Girl: I'm exhausted. I wish I liked coffee.
Tired Girl's Friend: Tea might wake you up.
Tired Girl: They don't have tea at Primos.
Tired Girl's Friend: They have hot water and tea bags.
Tired Girl: [Giggles]...tea bag.

-- Newman West

How to: stick up for yourself

Bookstore employee (to student): I know I didn't just get off the little yellow bus, cuz I can count!

-- Bookstore

It's such a novel concept

Guy: I don't know, it's weird. She's always, like, trusting me and stuff.

-- to his friend, at Primo's

Is this inappropriate?

Girl: Hey are you smokin tonight?
Guy: Is the pope dead?

-- Newman elevator

Demonstration not necessary.

Guy 1: Yeah, dude, she was holding it like a fuckin' microphone! (and demonstrates... with a teacher standing right behind them)

-- to his friend; Surfin' Joes

well, when you gotta go...

Girl 1: It was cool. I saw Vanessa Williams.
Girl 2: Oh really? Did you get her autograph?
Girl 1: No... She asked me where the bathroom was, though. And then she said thank you.
Girl 2: Oh, well that's just as good.

-- halls of Campion

A Tall Tale of Exam Week Woes

Girl: Exams are soooooo stressful, I have, like, 4 today!
Guy: How could you have 4 today?
Girl: Well, not like 4...
Guy: So how many do you have?
Girl: Well, like, 1, but it was easy. I got out in 20 minutes, but like, this whole exam thing is totally stressful, you know.

-- in line for register at Boulder

Spring Break diet idea?

Guy 1: Yo dude... Now that we are in college, what do you think about the chicks?
Guy 2: Well they definitely put out more... but it's hard to find a girl without a beer gut.
Guy 1: Yeah seriously, can't we just tell them to stick to vodka or something - that way they'll get drunk, have sex, and will have tight stomachs!

-- high fives and laughs follow; Primo's

It's the Irish way, yeah?

Guy: I don't have a problem. Alcohol fixes everything.

-- On Campus